a letter to my future daughter/a letter to myself/things I need to get off my chest

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately.
Things I want to make sure my daughter,
if I ever have one,
understands.
Things I need to hear,
and that I'm still working to understand.
Things that have been bearing down on my chest 
and rolling around on my tongue.
About the warped world view 
that I've always legalistically held myself to
that I'm beginning to walk out of:
a view on modesty that tells me my body 
is just something to cover up with clothes,
and purity that tells me completeness 
comes from the ring on my finger,
and relationships that tells me
it's alright for anyone but Jesus
to claim personal ownership over my heart.
About the little idolatries I find 
laced in my personal culture.
And I know that this blog post isn't going to cover
all of the nuances and points that need to be discussed
but it's just a few things I think should be said,
all with a heaping dose of grace.
So here's a letter, I guess, 
to the future daughter who I may not have
or to any daughter, I guess,
or really just to myself.

---

Dear daughters and sisters and lovers of Jesus,

Let's talk about modesty.
Sure we can talk about clothes, 
if you want.
And hemlines and brastraps,
if you want.
But, actually,
I'm incredibly sick of the idea 
that modesty is about what you're wearing.
A cultural concept that turns women (but never men) 
into mere visual objects
who are responsible for the sin and folly of their brothers,
capable of being judged at a glance.
Refuse to accept this modesty culture.
Instead of letting what you wear define your identity
Every morning look in the mirror and ask yourself:
Is your heart as modest as your dress?
Are you looking to be noticed or to notice?
Are you dressing for yourself or someone else?
Does someone look at you and say:
"Man she has so much respect and love for herself and everyone around her and her Creator?"
What about beyond your clothes?
Is your attitude that of a servant who cares deeply and loves unconditionally and wants to be like Jesus?
Is your spirit tuned to God's ear?
Do you take the very nature of a servant 
like you are called to in Philippians?
That body is this incredible awesome valuable gift.
It can swim and jump and dance and kick.
It holds a beautiful magnificent reflective heart and mind and soul.
It was perfectly formed in your mothers womb 
and God said it was very good.
Go read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
and think about it real hard.
God is dwelling in that body,
in those clothes.
Are you treating it with the respect it deserves?
Are you dressing it in a way that recognizes 
that you have some pretty freaking precious cargo?

Modesty culture's BFF is purity culture.
And yeah, 
purity is pretty rad,
in it's right context.
But we have this terrible way of making it all about 
sex, sex, sex.
About saving your self 
and the virtuous true love, waiting away.
Not only does this purity culture often breed deep hurt and fear,
without room for mistakes without heavy shame,
or even healthy boundaries and relationship growth,
but it perpetuates the idea 
that marriage is somehow the goal of it all,
or that sex is the goal of it all.
But I mean they go together, right?
So we put on rings that we buy for our thirteen year-old selves
at the Christian bookstore
(or maybe that was just me)
and write long sweet middle school letters to the husband
we have no idea actually exists or not
(just me again?).
And so your ring finger determine your wholeness
and "Dear Future Husband" keeps your heart on hold.
But that seems pretty messed up, 
if you think about it,
because,
No one determines your wholeness but Jesus.
And your life should never be put on hold.
You are capable of loving Jesus 
fully and completely and deeply 
all by yourself.
Actually you can only love Jesus 
fully and completely and deeply 
when it starts by yourself.
Then you get to add beautiful things like community,
and friends,
and maybe Mr. Right Husband man 
who wrote letters to you too;
who you can live a cool adventurous life with 
and who can push you to love Jesus more together.
But those things will let you down.
Jesus will not.
Those things might not come.
Jesus already is.
Purity culture creates this idea 
that your life is in the waiting
for some magic other half 
who's going to come and make everything start.
For a wedding day 
that somehow changes everything.
Well, guess what, it's already started,
and you're going to miss out 
on the fullness of life right now.
Don't get me wrong
You are called to be pure,
but not just to keep your legs closed
and not hold hands with anyone
But to be pure in your actions and your thoughts
and to think about holy, glorifying beautiful things 
and do them.
To read Philippians 4:8 and actually live it
Don't ever let anyone lead you to believe 
that purity is just about sex.
Don't ever let anyone lead you to believe 
that purity is anything less 
than being like Jesus.

Finally, let's talk about relationships.
Because somehow,
the idea that a father is the proprietor of his daughter
has persisted through dowries and radicalism
and is still a normal thing that people are just cool with.
There are applications and conversations where
ownership is the overtone,
and the trustworthy human soul of a daughter
is stifled by the men claiming "over her."
So daughters, 
Work to be strong headed and wise.
Respect your parents, both of them,
but do not let them take 
the freedom and identity you find in Christ.
Trust that you love Jesus enough to know who doesn't; 
that you make wise decisions that benefit you and your future.
If anyone thinks that he can come and ask your father for you,
look him in the eyes 
and ask him how many camels he's going to bring
and then tell him 
that he should probably stay away from you for a long time.
When you're old enough to be thinking 
about things like dating and marriage,
you are responsible for yourself,
and your decisions,
and your affiliations,
and your relationship with Jesus, 
and your relationship with others.
No one else is but you.
Because you are not an object to be had.
You are not a prize to be won,
a treasure to be conquered,
or a transaction to be made.
You are a beautiful,
brilliant human being
made in the Image of a beautiful,
brilliant Creator 
Anyone who truly loves you will treat you like it.
Refuse to be treated as anything less than that;
refuse to treat anyone else as anything less than that.
You are God's.
Period.
No one else's.
No husband, parent, or communist dictator.
So sure, accept blessings but never let anyone try to issue you permission.
You will make mistakes
and get hurt.
Learn from them;
love in them.
Let your relationships draw you to God.

Please, don't idolize modesty.
Please, don't idolize purity. 
Please, don't idolize relationships.
You deserve more 
than to believe the lies culture is trying to feed you. 
God has deeper plans for all of those things 
than to oppress you and make your heart ache. 
Find the beauty of Jesus 
by seeking to have a heart that's modest and humble and willing to serve. 
Find the beauty of Jesus
by working with fear and trembling to to make yourself full of things that are right and true and pure.
Find the beauty of Jesus 
by refusing to let anyone cheat you of your freedom in Him.
Use modesty and purity and relationships
as tools to pull you deeper into God.
Anything less isn't worth it.

-H

i am//

I am still in the making.
I am ugly rouge clay whipping around a wheel,
large hands slowly shaping me 
into a respectable form that will have some use:
to quench a thirst 
or hold some daffodils.
But right now I am only just a lump of clay, 
spinning fast on a wobbly platform,
splashing water and making a mess,
still mostly disoriented.
I am being pushed hard into shape by my Maker,
getting bent in ways I am not sure I want to get bent, 
stretching in ways I did not know I could stretch,
but being molded for my good.
Slowly, a form is starting to emerge;
glimpses of purpose come into view.
I am not yet who I will be,
I am changing, I am becoming.
I am getting there.

over-achieved

Lately I’ve been realizing how task-driven the world is--

How task driven I am

Everything is about doing something

Accomplishment is the only scale of value left for humanity

We remember people based on what they did not who they were

Actions do not flow from character, actions now stand-alone

Everyone feels the need to get the best grade and to get into the best program and to leave some kind of stamp on civilization by doing something great

Or maybe that’s just me

My value seems to be inextricably tied up in how much I have done

What acceptance letters have come through my mailbox

Who I have in my address book

Maybe how smart I am

But all smart is these days is the potential to achieve

Every possible chance I get I attempt to “succeed” more

In the hope that this achievement will be the one that knocks me up a peg

Gets me a little more respect

Or standing

Or maybe even salvation?

Or maybe just build my resume so in the future I can accomplish more

Everything is a means to an end

The cycle never stops

And this structure of overcommitted attempts at achievement has lead me to a point

Where I glorify busy with everything I have

If my iCal isn’t booked wall to wall then I’m doing something wrong

Because if I’m busy than I’m needed

If I’m busy than the system can’t run without me

I am important

I am powerful

I am glorified

Achievement brings glory to me

Achievement is a physical reminder to everyone around me of how much better I am

And how much harder I worked

And how much more gifted God made me

So everyone is just living their lives attempting to out-do everyone around them

Competition is constant whether we realize it or not

And anyone who was doing something because they were passion about it is probably already lost in the rat race

If not they will be soon

We treat GPAs and promotions like the works that are going to earn us a place in heaven

But Jesus,

He wasn’t like that.

Jesus didn’t care about tasks, Jesus cared about people

He cared about them, not what they did

He cared about their hearts

And in twelve verses at the start of Matthew five Jesus turned every presupposition of success on its head

There is no blessing for the prosperous, successful, respected person

But there is a blessing for the meek

When He met the woman at the well He didn’t say

“so, uh, can you show me your resume?”

and He didn’t ask Lazarus about his GPA

and He didn’t want to see Nicodemus’s letter of recommendation

Jesus hung out with fishermen

“unschooled, ordinary men” (Acts 4:13)

They didn’t climb any ladder or fill out a single application

Jesus picked them because of who they were not what they did

Jesus was despised and rejected 

Jesus didn’t run on a time schedule

He never said,

“OK, y’all are saved and healed got to run to Galilee now”

Jesus dwelled with people

He wept with people

Jesus didn’t try to people please

He threw around tables and got kicked out of temples

But Jesus did care about people’s actions

Just not in the way we do

He didn’t demand his disciples prove themselves

He begged that they remained in Him

When they asked about the greatest commandment He told them

To love the Lord with everything and to love their neighbors like themselves

He cared that they were rooted in love

Not what gold star they got

Actions rooted in the character of salvation were the only actions that counted

The only ambition Jesus cared about was ambition grounded in the Gospel

And seeking after Him

Every action, moment and accomplishment

Getting to the top didn’t matter unless you were advancing the Kingdom every step of the way

So this is me sitting down and saying

I will not be defined by what I achieve

I will not make the respect of those around me my idol

I will not glorify busy

I will not feel the burden of proving myself

I will not treat what this world values like my only hope at salvation

And man, it’s going to be hard

But I am something so much more than the programs I’m in and the people I know

I am more than what I do

My identity is in Christ

So today I’m taking the first step into not letting it be in anything else.

Comparatively Speaking

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14, ESV)

When I started trying to write this post, probably back in February, I was at the point where I was amazed by my anatomy classes and how God made the body and how it all works together.

And I still am, but the phrase "fearfully and wonderfully made" has taken on so many many different meanings to me since that time.

I have to be honest with you, for a little bit there, I was stuck in a rut. Same old classes, same old work, same old routine where I spend every moment possible with other people and doing anything to fill my free time because I hate sitting still. 
But in desiring to lose that stillness, I lost my desire to spend time with God everyday, which should always be a red flag.
And it was. The more often things like that happen, the less time it takes me to get to the point where I realize why it is that I'm stuck in a rut. 

The thing that I've been struggling with and that I'm being called to work on right now is comparing myself to other people and trying to be the best I can possibly be in everyone else's eyes. Which gets so tiring and boring and frustrating, because you can never win and you can never let your guard down.

So I've been reading verse after verse and listening to sermon after sermon about "being content in every situation" and "finding your identity in Christ." 
And none of them were actually helping me any.
I mean not in the way that it makes it any easier to apply it to my life. Because once you understand something, you're automatically changed forever. 
Right?

WRONG.

Today was different though. 
Today, I actually found a verse that made me understand my compulsive need to compare myself to other people. It made remembering that God made me different than everyone else for a reason much easier.

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that you might receive adoption as sons. (Galatians 4:4-5)

We are under the law, but not by any choice you've ever made. Its written in your heart and it manifests itself in your mind (Hebrews 10:16). Whether you like it or not, this is the only place your sense of morality comes from.
We were made to be in a divine relationship with our Maker. However, the reality of the situation is that our relationship with God is broken because of our sin.

Enter insecurity.

We constantly compare ourselves to other people because we have an insecurity deep down that comes from the disconnect we have with God. 
We need to fill our lives with being the best at the things we love--even the things we don't love--because we have to fill the void somehow.

So to combat this, we have to constantly be striving to be in God's perfect will and to be spending boatloads of time with Jesus everyday. 
Not thinking about how "I'm supposed to be content, so I'm going to make myself be content."
When you're spending time in God's word like you should be, everything else in your life lines itself up as well. Worries fade away, peace takes the place of confusion and hurt, wounds are healed.

And comparing yourself to other people isn't as tempting because you know that God's plan for their life is completely different than yours but still just as beautiful.

[rek-uhn-sil-ee-ey-shuhn]

so,

I heard something that clicked all of the gears

of race and gender and culture and justice and awareness 

into place

and everything finally made sense,

at least a little more than it had been

because I've been having a bit of a crisis

a white privileged

white girl

finally realizing that her world

isn't the "right" world

crisis

I've been realizing that the Christianity I've been practicing is

really west-side

westernized

Americanized

middle class

passive

and that in other places

they don't do things the same way as I do

But I heard this person  

in this video

(worth watching)

say that 

"if you're going to be involved in cross-cultural ministry 

(aka LIFE) 

know who you are--

understand your culture. 

so when you come to [different cultures] of people 

you will know 

what you need to shed 

so you can bring only the Gospel" 

so, I'm going to let y'all in on a little bit of my realizations

in a hope for the start of some cultural reconciliation

because I need to articulate what I'm carrying in so I can leave it at the door

and you just see Jesus

I am white

very, very, white

I didn't really realize it until I got thrown into a place 

that's a little less white than where I was before

or maybe just a little more culturally aware

(yeah, that's right

this place is more willing to talk about it than where I started 

so have a little grace when I don't know what I'm saying

I'm still learning how to have these conversations)

But man am I white

I don't claim any heritage other than American

my families from the Ozark South

I've spent most of my days in Colorado Springs, Colorado

and man it is conservative

but everyone is just totally ok with it being that

and don't really want to know what the word really means

Creationism was never questioned 

Focus on the Family is the normal standard belief system

and Fox News is a respected source of information

Republican is just what you were

unless you are a liberal, then that's real bad news for you

or anyone else that might be categorized on the blue side of the line

money we always had plenty of

even when recession hit we didn't have to worry too much

upper-middle classic

grew up in a nice school district

 got to go far away to expensive Christian college

never really thought much about it

other than an average amount of gratitude

never really realized how lucky I was to not have to worry about a bank account

never really realized there were actually poor people I actually needed to help

but the government shouldn't take care of those poor people

because they're drug addict alcoholics 

who did it to themselves

all of 'em

right?

but wait, who's going to take care of them then?

ignorance is bliss

wait, what?

all I knew about race came from rich-district history class

and I made my fair share of jokes about my not so diverse school

and I grew up not knowing that the house always wins

and I was the house

but

I thought that equality was all

A-OK since

MLK had a dream 

and when

LBJ signed the 

CRA

everything was...

broken? still?

no! it was supposed to be fixed

yet, 

my suburbs were too whitewashed to see the system that lie beneath

and I lived thinking all racism was gone with the sixties

I learned almost everything I know about the Bible in a Southern Baptist church

raising your hands is for youth group, and only occasionally during big church

you could say I struggle with legalism sometimes

I thought drinking was a sin until my senior year of high school

I basically thought dating was a sin, too

let's not even talk about kissing

wheeeeeeeeww, hellfire

I called myself a feminist 

but I didn't know there were women pastors until I came to college

I grew up believing that if a woman was called into the ministry

it meant she should start looking for a pastor to be the wife of

and you were supposed to be submissive because you were a woman 

not because you were a Christian

and all of this stuff was never really taught directly to me

it was just kind of known

and the tradition and the truth were hard to separate

but above all else,

more than anything

the culture I grew up in was passive

just go about your day

keep to yourself

your suburbs

don't worry about the world and its brokenness

or the people down the street that need redemption

nah, be passive--

I'm not saying this was everyone around me 

I'm saying it was the culture around me

and it can be nice

and safe 

and warm

and I'm thankful for my hometown

and my home

and my culture

they made me who I am

and I can't separate myself from them

but right now I'm taking a step into recognizing 

that it isn't the only culture out there

and it isn't the "right" culture either

see this stuff,

this stuff that's made me, me

 it isn't wrong

some of it may even be helpful and nice

and I can tell you plenty about all of the good it's done

but it is 

one

just one interpretation 

just one side of Christianity

through the cultural lens I grew up in

see I don't want to offend you

because I am you

so, instead I want to shock you a little into being 

aware

because Jesus is too good to be tainted by our culture

the first step to ministering to people,

the first step to cultural reconciliation,

is realizing who you are.

The Wellspring of Life

Today was one of those days that I found myself wide-awake at 4:30am. (Don't ask me how often this happens, I promise, you don't want to know.) So I kind of laid in bed for a little bit, but I couldn't get the thought of spending that extra hour or so with God. So I got up, trying to be extra careful and not to wake my roommate up.

I'm reading through The Pursuit of Holiness right now--I highly recommend it, it's ruining my life in the best way possible. 
And today I learned about our eternal, internal battle with sin. 
The idea that stuck with me the most is that even after we become believers, sin still lives in hearts. And it wants to take back the control that it lost to Jesus. 
The second thing is this: our hearts literally cannot be understood by humans. I have spent 19 years with this thing that holds my character--that holds who I am and how I come across to other people--and its still a complete mystery to me. 

Then the chapter ended with Psalm 4:23. 
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (ESV)

And that kind of shook my world a little... 
You see, ever since middle school, that verse has been used in regards to boys. "Are you sure about him? Make sure you're guarding your heart."
Which is also accurate. I'm just sorry that this is the first time I've ever heard it used to keep you aware of something else. 

So we established that sin dwells in your heart. And we know that the "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick." (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)
But there's another part of that--sin cannot be allowed to be planted and grow. 

"Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil." Ecclesiastes 8:11 (ESV)

So that's where the "guarding your heart" comes in. We have to constantly watch ourselves, because as soon as you stop, Satan has easy access directly to your root. And we have to ask the Holy Spirit to daily reveal things that we need to fix. Because the sooner you start dealing with sin, the less easily it will take ahold of you.