Things I want to make sure my daughter,
if I ever have one,
understands.
Things I need to hear,
and that I'm still working to understand.
Things that have been bearing down on my chest
and rolling around on my tongue.
About the warped world view
that I've always legalistically held myself to
that I'm beginning to walk out of:
a view on modesty that tells me my body
is just something to cover up with clothes,
and purity that tells me completeness
comes from the ring on my finger,
and relationships that tells me
it's alright for anyone but Jesus
to claim personal ownership over my heart.
About the little idolatries I find
laced in my personal culture.
And I know that this blog post isn't going to cover
all of the nuances and points that need to be discussed
but it's just a few things I think should be said,
all with a heaping dose of grace.
So here's a letter, I guess,
to the future daughter who I may not have
or to any daughter, I guess,
or really just to myself.
---
Dear daughters and sisters and lovers of Jesus,
Let's talk about modesty.
Sure we can talk about clothes,
if you want.
And hemlines and brastraps,
if you want.
But, actually,
I'm incredibly sick of the idea
that modesty is about what you're wearing.
A cultural concept that turns women (but never men)
into mere visual objects
who are responsible for the sin and folly of their brothers,
capable of being judged at a glance.
Refuse to accept this modesty culture.
Instead of letting what you wear define your identity
Every morning look in the mirror and ask yourself:
Is your heart as modest as your dress?
Are you looking to be noticed or to notice?
Are you dressing for yourself or someone else?
Does someone look at you and say:
"Man she has so much respect and love for herself and everyone around her and her Creator?"
What about beyond your clothes?
Is your attitude that of a servant who cares deeply and loves unconditionally and wants to be like Jesus?
Is your spirit tuned to God's ear?
Do you take the very nature of a servant
like you are called to in Philippians?
That body is this incredible awesome valuable gift.
It can swim and jump and dance and kick.
It holds a beautiful magnificent reflective heart and mind and soul.
It was perfectly formed in your mothers womb
and God said it was very good.
Go read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
and think about it real hard.
God is dwelling in that body,
in those clothes.
Are you treating it with the respect it deserves?
Are you dressing it in a way that recognizes
that you have some pretty freaking precious cargo?
Modesty culture's BFF is purity culture.
And yeah,
purity is pretty rad,
in it's right context.
But we have this terrible way of making it all about
sex, sex, sex.
About saving your self
and the virtuous true love, waiting away.
Not only does this purity culture often breed deep hurt and fear,
without room for mistakes without heavy shame,
or even healthy boundaries and relationship growth,
but it perpetuates the idea
that marriage is somehow the goal of it all,
or that sex is the goal of it all.
But I mean they go together, right?
So we put on rings that we buy for our thirteen year-old selves
at the Christian bookstore
(or maybe that was just me)
and write long sweet middle school letters to the husband
we have no idea actually exists or not
(just me again?).
And so your ring finger determine your wholeness
and "Dear Future Husband" keeps your heart on hold.
But that seems pretty messed up,
if you think about it,
because,
No one determines your wholeness but Jesus.
And your life should never be put on hold.
You are capable of loving Jesus
fully and completely and deeply
all by yourself.
Actually you can only love Jesus
fully and completely and deeply
when it starts by yourself.
Then you get to add beautiful things like community,
and friends,
and maybe Mr. Right Husband man
who wrote letters to you too;
who you can live a cool adventurous life with
and who can push you to love Jesus more together.
But those things will let you down.
Jesus will not.
Those things might not come.
Jesus already is.
Purity culture creates this idea
that your life is in the waiting
for some magic other half
who's going to come and make everything start.
For a wedding day
that somehow changes everything.
Well, guess what, it's already started,
and you're going to miss out
on the fullness of life right now.
Don't get me wrong
You are called to be pure,
but not just to keep your legs closed
and not hold hands with anyone
But to be pure in your actions and your thoughts
and to think about holy, glorifying beautiful things
and do them.
To read Philippians 4:8 and actually live it
Don't ever let anyone lead you to believe
that purity is just about sex.
Don't ever let anyone lead you to believe
that purity is anything less
than being like Jesus.
Finally, let's talk about relationships.
Because somehow,
the idea that a father is the proprietor of his daughter
has persisted through dowries and radicalism
and is still a normal thing that people are just cool with.
There are applications and conversations where
ownership is the overtone,
and the trustworthy human soul of a daughter
is stifled by the men claiming "over her."
So daughters,
Work to be strong headed and wise.
Respect your parents, both of them,
but do not let them take
the freedom and identity you find in Christ.
Trust that you love Jesus enough to know who doesn't;
that you make wise decisions that benefit you and your future.
If anyone thinks that he can come and ask your father for you,
look him in the eyes
and ask him how many camels he's going to bring
and then tell him
that he should probably stay away from you for a long time.
When you're old enough to be thinking
about things like dating and marriage,
you are responsible for yourself,
and your decisions,
and your affiliations,
and your relationship with Jesus,
and your relationship with others.
No one else is but you.
Because you are not an object to be had.
You are not a prize to be won,
a treasure to be conquered,
or a transaction to be made.
You are a beautiful,
brilliant human being
made in the Image of a beautiful,
brilliant Creator
Anyone who truly loves you will treat you like it.
Refuse to be treated as anything less than that;
refuse to treat anyone else as anything less than that.
You are God's.
Period.
No one else's.
No husband, parent, or communist dictator.
So sure, accept blessings but never let anyone try to issue you permission.
You will make mistakes
and get hurt.
Learn from them;
love in them.
Let your relationships draw you to God.
Please, don't idolize modesty.
Please, don't idolize purity.
Please, don't idolize relationships.
You deserve more
than to believe the lies culture is trying to feed you.
God has deeper plans for all of those things
than to oppress you and make your heart ache.
Find the beauty of Jesus
by seeking to have a heart that's modest and humble and willing to serve.
Find the beauty of Jesus
by working with fear and trembling to to make yourself full of things that are right and true and pure.
Find the beauty of Jesus
by refusing to let anyone cheat you of your freedom in Him.
Use modesty and purity and relationships
as tools to pull you deeper into God.
Anything less isn't worth it.
-H
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