For those of you that spent a long enough time with me last summer to ask me what my college major was, you got the brunt of my uncertainty.
Those of you that go to college with me and see me on a regular basis probably have no idea about the amount of angst that I went through to make the decision to continue at GCU.
And those of you that only sort of know me... Well you're probably surprised to hear that I wasn't a nursing major for a solid three months.
Sometime around finals last spring, I had a moment of intense fear.
Of course, being the person I am, I hid the fear. Any doubts that I had, I attributed to not truly being called to what I thought I was.
I'd been so sure of what God was calling me to do and all of the sudden, I didn't want to walk that direction anymore.
I was so afraid of finding out that I wasn't good enough or smart enough that I told everyone I'd changed my mind about what I wanted to do. I changed my major, changed my life goals, and I chose carefully the words that I decided to share with everyone.
Fear was not one of those words.
Doubt didn't make the list either.
True to my nature, I picked happy, fluffy, pretty explanations.
I even visited the career counselor and had them affirm that I needed to change my major.
When I got home, in between talks with parents and friends, I realized that even though Exercise Science would be fun, it still really wasn't what I wanted to do with my life.
I started struggling again, fearing for the things that were to come, but still managing to give a skillfully crafted answer about how I wasn't worried because everything was going to work out in the end.
Did I believe that everything would work out?
Hypothetically, yes.
Did I act like I believed everything would work out?
You betcha.
Did I think like I believed everything would work out?
Not on your life.
My decision became split between two completely different directions - staying in the Springs, going to UCCS, and studying nutrition; or changing my major back to nursing at GCU.
I've never been a big planner. I heard about GCU in February of my senior year, started seriously considering going there in March, and committed to it about a month before I graduated from high school.
So when asked what my plan was over and over by well-meaning friends and family, I gave whatever answer sounded the best at the moment. I didn't want to stop and take a moment and pray about what I was dealing with. I didn't ask for other's prayers, because I didn't want them to know how hard I was actually struggling with my decision. And when I actually sat down to have a conversation with God, I was shocked when He revealed to me the fear I'd been successfully hiding from myself.
And when I realized that every decision I made from April to July was made out of fear, I also realized that once again, I let my battle with God get to the point I wasn't even trusting Him anymore, but making a decision because he'd knocked down every argument I had, both the rational ones and the many irrational ones I had come up with.
I was accepted into the nursing program right before Thanksgiving, and started the first semester in January.
Nursing school is one of those things that no one can prepare you for. So I had no idea what I'd just gotten myself into when I walked into Pharmacology that Monday. I believe that I can say, with an exceptional amount of certainty, that the first week was the most stressful, exhausting week I've ever had, to the point I was falling asleep on the five-minute shuttle ride home from work. Everything was absolute chaos, the class as a whole was nervous about missing an assignment, asking teachers to clarify their expectations for our homework about five times each (I'm still convinced the answers changed every time).
But I can also say with even more certainty, I'm truly loving every second that I spend in nursing school, even though an "F" is anything below a 76% and even though we had tests weekly for two months. Even though you get to a point where you're only capable of holding an intelligent conversation with other nursing majors. Even though the second semester is more intense than the first, I've already ordered my books and I'm counting down the days until class starts again.
And so God (being His merciful and kind self) has taken the moment of fear I experienced over a year ago and lead me down this same path I had started on, but given me a whole new perspective. I'm now fully aware that my plans are not set in stone. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter what exactly I study or what I plan to do with my life; as long as I'm following God, I'll be headed the right direction.
