over-achieved

Lately I’ve been realizing how task-driven the world is--

How task driven I am

Everything is about doing something

Accomplishment is the only scale of value left for humanity

We remember people based on what they did not who they were

Actions do not flow from character, actions now stand-alone

Everyone feels the need to get the best grade and to get into the best program and to leave some kind of stamp on civilization by doing something great

Or maybe that’s just me

My value seems to be inextricably tied up in how much I have done

What acceptance letters have come through my mailbox

Who I have in my address book

Maybe how smart I am

But all smart is these days is the potential to achieve

Every possible chance I get I attempt to “succeed” more

In the hope that this achievement will be the one that knocks me up a peg

Gets me a little more respect

Or standing

Or maybe even salvation?

Or maybe just build my resume so in the future I can accomplish more

Everything is a means to an end

The cycle never stops

And this structure of overcommitted attempts at achievement has lead me to a point

Where I glorify busy with everything I have

If my iCal isn’t booked wall to wall then I’m doing something wrong

Because if I’m busy than I’m needed

If I’m busy than the system can’t run without me

I am important

I am powerful

I am glorified

Achievement brings glory to me

Achievement is a physical reminder to everyone around me of how much better I am

And how much harder I worked

And how much more gifted God made me

So everyone is just living their lives attempting to out-do everyone around them

Competition is constant whether we realize it or not

And anyone who was doing something because they were passion about it is probably already lost in the rat race

If not they will be soon

We treat GPAs and promotions like the works that are going to earn us a place in heaven

But Jesus,

He wasn’t like that.

Jesus didn’t care about tasks, Jesus cared about people

He cared about them, not what they did

He cared about their hearts

And in twelve verses at the start of Matthew five Jesus turned every presupposition of success on its head

There is no blessing for the prosperous, successful, respected person

But there is a blessing for the meek

When He met the woman at the well He didn’t say

“so, uh, can you show me your resume?”

and He didn’t ask Lazarus about his GPA

and He didn’t want to see Nicodemus’s letter of recommendation

Jesus hung out with fishermen

“unschooled, ordinary men” (Acts 4:13)

They didn’t climb any ladder or fill out a single application

Jesus picked them because of who they were not what they did

Jesus was despised and rejected 

Jesus didn’t run on a time schedule

He never said,

“OK, y’all are saved and healed got to run to Galilee now”

Jesus dwelled with people

He wept with people

Jesus didn’t try to people please

He threw around tables and got kicked out of temples

But Jesus did care about people’s actions

Just not in the way we do

He didn’t demand his disciples prove themselves

He begged that they remained in Him

When they asked about the greatest commandment He told them

To love the Lord with everything and to love their neighbors like themselves

He cared that they were rooted in love

Not what gold star they got

Actions rooted in the character of salvation were the only actions that counted

The only ambition Jesus cared about was ambition grounded in the Gospel

And seeking after Him

Every action, moment and accomplishment

Getting to the top didn’t matter unless you were advancing the Kingdom every step of the way

So this is me sitting down and saying

I will not be defined by what I achieve

I will not make the respect of those around me my idol

I will not glorify busy

I will not feel the burden of proving myself

I will not treat what this world values like my only hope at salvation

And man, it’s going to be hard

But I am something so much more than the programs I’m in and the people I know

I am more than what I do

My identity is in Christ

So today I’m taking the first step into not letting it be in anything else.

Comparatively Speaking

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14, ESV)

When I started trying to write this post, probably back in February, I was at the point where I was amazed by my anatomy classes and how God made the body and how it all works together.

And I still am, but the phrase "fearfully and wonderfully made" has taken on so many many different meanings to me since that time.

I have to be honest with you, for a little bit there, I was stuck in a rut. Same old classes, same old work, same old routine where I spend every moment possible with other people and doing anything to fill my free time because I hate sitting still. 
But in desiring to lose that stillness, I lost my desire to spend time with God everyday, which should always be a red flag.
And it was. The more often things like that happen, the less time it takes me to get to the point where I realize why it is that I'm stuck in a rut. 

The thing that I've been struggling with and that I'm being called to work on right now is comparing myself to other people and trying to be the best I can possibly be in everyone else's eyes. Which gets so tiring and boring and frustrating, because you can never win and you can never let your guard down.

So I've been reading verse after verse and listening to sermon after sermon about "being content in every situation" and "finding your identity in Christ." 
And none of them were actually helping me any.
I mean not in the way that it makes it any easier to apply it to my life. Because once you understand something, you're automatically changed forever. 
Right?

WRONG.

Today was different though. 
Today, I actually found a verse that made me understand my compulsive need to compare myself to other people. It made remembering that God made me different than everyone else for a reason much easier.

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that you might receive adoption as sons. (Galatians 4:4-5)

We are under the law, but not by any choice you've ever made. Its written in your heart and it manifests itself in your mind (Hebrews 10:16). Whether you like it or not, this is the only place your sense of morality comes from.
We were made to be in a divine relationship with our Maker. However, the reality of the situation is that our relationship with God is broken because of our sin.

Enter insecurity.

We constantly compare ourselves to other people because we have an insecurity deep down that comes from the disconnect we have with God. 
We need to fill our lives with being the best at the things we love--even the things we don't love--because we have to fill the void somehow.

So to combat this, we have to constantly be striving to be in God's perfect will and to be spending boatloads of time with Jesus everyday. 
Not thinking about how "I'm supposed to be content, so I'm going to make myself be content."
When you're spending time in God's word like you should be, everything else in your life lines itself up as well. Worries fade away, peace takes the place of confusion and hurt, wounds are healed.

And comparing yourself to other people isn't as tempting because you know that God's plan for their life is completely different than yours but still just as beautiful.

[rek-uhn-sil-ee-ey-shuhn]

so,

I heard something that clicked all of the gears

of race and gender and culture and justice and awareness 

into place

and everything finally made sense,

at least a little more than it had been

because I've been having a bit of a crisis

a white privileged

white girl

finally realizing that her world

isn't the "right" world

crisis

I've been realizing that the Christianity I've been practicing is

really west-side

westernized

Americanized

middle class

passive

and that in other places

they don't do things the same way as I do

But I heard this person  

in this video

(worth watching)

say that 

"if you're going to be involved in cross-cultural ministry 

(aka LIFE) 

know who you are--

understand your culture. 

so when you come to [different cultures] of people 

you will know 

what you need to shed 

so you can bring only the Gospel" 

so, I'm going to let y'all in on a little bit of my realizations

in a hope for the start of some cultural reconciliation

because I need to articulate what I'm carrying in so I can leave it at the door

and you just see Jesus

I am white

very, very, white

I didn't really realize it until I got thrown into a place 

that's a little less white than where I was before

or maybe just a little more culturally aware

(yeah, that's right

this place is more willing to talk about it than where I started 

so have a little grace when I don't know what I'm saying

I'm still learning how to have these conversations)

But man am I white

I don't claim any heritage other than American

my families from the Ozark South

I've spent most of my days in Colorado Springs, Colorado

and man it is conservative

but everyone is just totally ok with it being that

and don't really want to know what the word really means

Creationism was never questioned 

Focus on the Family is the normal standard belief system

and Fox News is a respected source of information

Republican is just what you were

unless you are a liberal, then that's real bad news for you

or anyone else that might be categorized on the blue side of the line

money we always had plenty of

even when recession hit we didn't have to worry too much

upper-middle classic

grew up in a nice school district

 got to go far away to expensive Christian college

never really thought much about it

other than an average amount of gratitude

never really realized how lucky I was to not have to worry about a bank account

never really realized there were actually poor people I actually needed to help

but the government shouldn't take care of those poor people

because they're drug addict alcoholics 

who did it to themselves

all of 'em

right?

but wait, who's going to take care of them then?

ignorance is bliss

wait, what?

all I knew about race came from rich-district history class

and I made my fair share of jokes about my not so diverse school

and I grew up not knowing that the house always wins

and I was the house

but

I thought that equality was all

A-OK since

MLK had a dream 

and when

LBJ signed the 

CRA

everything was...

broken? still?

no! it was supposed to be fixed

yet, 

my suburbs were too whitewashed to see the system that lie beneath

and I lived thinking all racism was gone with the sixties

I learned almost everything I know about the Bible in a Southern Baptist church

raising your hands is for youth group, and only occasionally during big church

you could say I struggle with legalism sometimes

I thought drinking was a sin until my senior year of high school

I basically thought dating was a sin, too

let's not even talk about kissing

wheeeeeeeeww, hellfire

I called myself a feminist 

but I didn't know there were women pastors until I came to college

I grew up believing that if a woman was called into the ministry

it meant she should start looking for a pastor to be the wife of

and you were supposed to be submissive because you were a woman 

not because you were a Christian

and all of this stuff was never really taught directly to me

it was just kind of known

and the tradition and the truth were hard to separate

but above all else,

more than anything

the culture I grew up in was passive

just go about your day

keep to yourself

your suburbs

don't worry about the world and its brokenness

or the people down the street that need redemption

nah, be passive--

I'm not saying this was everyone around me 

I'm saying it was the culture around me

and it can be nice

and safe 

and warm

and I'm thankful for my hometown

and my home

and my culture

they made me who I am

and I can't separate myself from them

but right now I'm taking a step into recognizing 

that it isn't the only culture out there

and it isn't the "right" culture either

see this stuff,

this stuff that's made me, me

 it isn't wrong

some of it may even be helpful and nice

and I can tell you plenty about all of the good it's done

but it is 

one

just one interpretation 

just one side of Christianity

through the cultural lens I grew up in

see I don't want to offend you

because I am you

so, instead I want to shock you a little into being 

aware

because Jesus is too good to be tainted by our culture

the first step to ministering to people,

the first step to cultural reconciliation,

is realizing who you are.

The Wellspring of Life

Today was one of those days that I found myself wide-awake at 4:30am. (Don't ask me how often this happens, I promise, you don't want to know.) So I kind of laid in bed for a little bit, but I couldn't get the thought of spending that extra hour or so with God. So I got up, trying to be extra careful and not to wake my roommate up.

I'm reading through The Pursuit of Holiness right now--I highly recommend it, it's ruining my life in the best way possible. 
And today I learned about our eternal, internal battle with sin. 
The idea that stuck with me the most is that even after we become believers, sin still lives in hearts. And it wants to take back the control that it lost to Jesus. 
The second thing is this: our hearts literally cannot be understood by humans. I have spent 19 years with this thing that holds my character--that holds who I am and how I come across to other people--and its still a complete mystery to me. 

Then the chapter ended with Psalm 4:23. 
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (ESV)

And that kind of shook my world a little... 
You see, ever since middle school, that verse has been used in regards to boys. "Are you sure about him? Make sure you're guarding your heart."
Which is also accurate. I'm just sorry that this is the first time I've ever heard it used to keep you aware of something else. 

So we established that sin dwells in your heart. And we know that the "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick." (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)
But there's another part of that--sin cannot be allowed to be planted and grow. 

"Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil." Ecclesiastes 8:11 (ESV)

So that's where the "guarding your heart" comes in. We have to constantly watch ourselves, because as soon as you stop, Satan has easy access directly to your root. And we have to ask the Holy Spirit to daily reveal things that we need to fix. Because the sooner you start dealing with sin, the less easily it will take ahold of you. 

Caught Up In It All

I meant to write something when I came home for Thanksgiving, thinking that I would have lots of free time (boy was I wrong), but family, friends, and microbiology ended up being my priority while I was there (not that that's a bad thing). And then finals started and finished, and now I'm home, still running around doing different things every day.

Some thoughts from my first semester:

1) College is so different than I thought it was going to be. I went into it having expectations, some things didn't live up to them, and other things surpassed them by far. Honestly, I have expectations about next semester that I know aren't going to be true, but its hard to not think of the future.

2) Being on your own isn't as glamorous as you think it is. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of it, it just requires a lot of learning... You know how when you lose something, your mother is able to magically find it? No more. She lives 12 hours away. And Daddy can't fix things from that far away either (I managed to put a shoe shelf together all by myself! It only took 20 minutes longer than it should have.) 

3) Roommates are great, I love mine so much, but learning to share a small space with someone is a new adventure in itself. The bathroom mirror only fits one person at a time, and shoes get everywhere and you aren't on the same sleep schedules so you have to learn to be quiet and find matching socks in the dark. But Esther and I hit it off right away, I had an automatic friend from the first day, and she even says I'm quiet when I get ready at 5:30/6 in the morning!

4) College friendships are "sped up" compared to what you're used to. You have to understand that you are about to meet some complete strangers that are going to see all sides of you in about two weeks. From seeing you in your cute clothes with your hair and makeup done well to seeing you right after you've woken up, in your pajamas and morning breath... Your closer friends will get it all. Actually, your roommate gets all that in 24 hours tops.

5) To go along with that, you can't be afraid to let people see you without makeup. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and your too starving to actually get ready for the day, so you just go to the Student Union wearing sweats. 

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

summing it up

So. My first semester of college is over.

Whaaaaaat?

I've been at Gordon college for 118 days.

I've travelled 5446 miles.

I've taken 11 tests.

I've been to 12 churches.

I've met a whole lot of incredible people.

It's hard to explain all of the things I've learned, experiences I've had, how I've changed.

It's hard to tell you what this semester has been like.

Let's just say there's been lots of questioning and answer, seeking and praying.

Let's just say God's been working.

He's pretty cool, guys.

But I just can't seem to explain everything since August.

I was talking to one of my friends who shared the feeling;

They said they just wanted to go home and tell everyone about the people.

The people those are what made the semester, what made the change...

So here are the faces of my first semester of college:

Lauren and Rosie

So, living in community is hard.

'Cause by community I mean three girls with a lotta stuff in a tiny dorm room.

But when you have 

total hippy with thrift shops and earth tones

Lauren (on the left)

who is so committed to listening to God and trusts His plan even when it's real difficult

and 

total prep with nautical stripes and all kinds of pink 

Rosie (on the right)

who is so dedicated to studying and working hard and does well at everything she does

and 

me ('nuff said),

you end up with a few fights,

some passive aggression,

some gossip and straight up issues,

cause, well, community is hard.

But you end up realizing that if you have a problem,

you don't talk about someone to other people, 

even if you think you're helping or they're straight up making you mad.

That conversation and communication is awkward, but worth the awkward.

That judging people's past does nothing but mess up your future.

That real friends come when you take the people you aren't like at all

and commit to caring about them.

James Reese

Straight out of Knoxville, Tennessee

He just might be the most interesting man in the world

(but don't tell him I said that).

The first night I met him I told him he could stay at my house

and we decided we'd have a radio show.

(PS, we have a radio show now. It ‘ight. Tune in.)

A few days later he told me his passion was rap.

I didn’t believe him...

Then I heard him rap,

And man, he’s good;

And man, he cares about it.

Four hours of rap lessons later, I actually appreciate the art.

Passion is such a buzzword,

But his is for real.

He’s taught me that you should do exciting things,

and you shouldn’t ever forget what makes you jump around excited,

And not let yourself be bored,

And figure out how to be passionate about right now,

And he does all of that and is still totally thoughtful about the world around him,

And he knows himself.

Also, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him.

He’s thoughtfully genuinely unapologetically James Reese

And man, I admire that.

Jamie Shore 

She won the first conversation we had.

The first day of classes we realized we had three in a row together,

Then we walked back across the quad and tried to best each other.

“Oh I’m going to apply for GCSA”

“Oh really? I already have 30 signatures”

Point, set, match, Jamie Shore.

I had an identity-crisis-panic-attack after that,

Because I’d never met anyone JUST LIKE ME.

I was ALWAYS the conversation winner.

So, yeah, not a fan.

Then I got to know her, slowly, awkwardly

and through a lot of not liking each other.

We actually became real friends.

And we realized even though our schedules and goals and ambition might be the same,

We were definitely different.

But, we could understand each other in a way other people couldn't.

And we realized how cool it was that we both agree that the presidents are the best,

And how cool it was that we don’t both agree on Anabaptism.

But we have a conversation about it, 

and it's thoughtful and generous and challenging.

She’s the person who will talk to me about the things no one wants to,

Who will answer the door at one in the morning and dream in the hallway with me about how were going to redeem the world and politics and journalism and how we’re going to make Gordon College passionate about Jesus and justice and conversation.

Now she’s the one who helps me process all of the crises I have about what I’ve always grown up learning and what the Bible actually says,

And she has pink hair because she is brave and breaking down walls and stereotypes,

And she cares about justice more than breathing,

And I’m thankful we can push each other together.

Rachel, Kelsey, Blake, and Julia

(isn't Gianna Nicole Photography the best?)

College was rough at first.

When the only people you want to talk to are thousands of miles away and they don't really get you anymore,

It's hard without anyone right there that you trust.

And then I met these girls.

One was my suite mate,

One was in my small group,

One was in my Women’s Lit class,

One just kind of showed up in my life and then we realized we had Old Testament together.

And one day after class we decided we would go swimming in the pond before dinner, and the rest was history.

It's amazing how you can make close friends so fast.

They're pretty cool.

Blake(the middle) is so smart and dedicated but so easy going and she always make you feel welcome and like you belong and always knows what to talk about.

And Rachel’s(the right)heart is soft and warm and kind that I can’t really even describe it but just being with her puts me at ease.

And Kelsey(the second from the right)is just straight sass and it’s the kind that can look you in the face and tell you what you need to hear but you leave feeling loved.

and Julia(The left) is funny and adventurous and always moving but will still sit and listen and talk through things with you even when you're cranky and angsty.

And we've learned that staying in on Friday nights laughing and catching up is just as fun as going out.

And they've all taught me and shown me how great and valuable real relationships are,

and how fast you can make great valuable relationships.

It's cool you can find a group of people you love as much individually as you do together.

(of course, this isn't all of the people who've impacted me, who I love, who I really just want to be like someday, but it's a few of the big ones)

--------------

Yeah, all of these people are pretty cool. 

You should get to know them.

They're what made my first semester great.

So now I'm back in the 719,

sitting at my kitchen table,

starting to miss the people I'm used to seeing everyday,

but glad to be back,

reflecting on my first semester of college.

I'm thankful. Very thankful.