The Wellspring of Life

Today was one of those days that I found myself wide-awake at 4:30am. (Don't ask me how often this happens, I promise, you don't want to know.) So I kind of laid in bed for a little bit, but I couldn't get the thought of spending that extra hour or so with God. So I got up, trying to be extra careful and not to wake my roommate up.

I'm reading through The Pursuit of Holiness right now--I highly recommend it, it's ruining my life in the best way possible. 
And today I learned about our eternal, internal battle with sin. 
The idea that stuck with me the most is that even after we become believers, sin still lives in hearts. And it wants to take back the control that it lost to Jesus. 
The second thing is this: our hearts literally cannot be understood by humans. I have spent 19 years with this thing that holds my character--that holds who I am and how I come across to other people--and its still a complete mystery to me. 

Then the chapter ended with Psalm 4:23. 
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (ESV)

And that kind of shook my world a little... 
You see, ever since middle school, that verse has been used in regards to boys. "Are you sure about him? Make sure you're guarding your heart."
Which is also accurate. I'm just sorry that this is the first time I've ever heard it used to keep you aware of something else. 

So we established that sin dwells in your heart. And we know that the "heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick." (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)
But there's another part of that--sin cannot be allowed to be planted and grow. 

"Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil." Ecclesiastes 8:11 (ESV)

So that's where the "guarding your heart" comes in. We have to constantly watch ourselves, because as soon as you stop, Satan has easy access directly to your root. And we have to ask the Holy Spirit to daily reveal things that we need to fix. Because the sooner you start dealing with sin, the less easily it will take ahold of you. 

Caught Up In It All

I meant to write something when I came home for Thanksgiving, thinking that I would have lots of free time (boy was I wrong), but family, friends, and microbiology ended up being my priority while I was there (not that that's a bad thing). And then finals started and finished, and now I'm home, still running around doing different things every day.

Some thoughts from my first semester:

1) College is so different than I thought it was going to be. I went into it having expectations, some things didn't live up to them, and other things surpassed them by far. Honestly, I have expectations about next semester that I know aren't going to be true, but its hard to not think of the future.

2) Being on your own isn't as glamorous as you think it is. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of it, it just requires a lot of learning... You know how when you lose something, your mother is able to magically find it? No more. She lives 12 hours away. And Daddy can't fix things from that far away either (I managed to put a shoe shelf together all by myself! It only took 20 minutes longer than it should have.) 

3) Roommates are great, I love mine so much, but learning to share a small space with someone is a new adventure in itself. The bathroom mirror only fits one person at a time, and shoes get everywhere and you aren't on the same sleep schedules so you have to learn to be quiet and find matching socks in the dark. But Esther and I hit it off right away, I had an automatic friend from the first day, and she even says I'm quiet when I get ready at 5:30/6 in the morning!

4) College friendships are "sped up" compared to what you're used to. You have to understand that you are about to meet some complete strangers that are going to see all sides of you in about two weeks. From seeing you in your cute clothes with your hair and makeup done well to seeing you right after you've woken up, in your pajamas and morning breath... Your closer friends will get it all. Actually, your roommate gets all that in 24 hours tops.

5) To go along with that, you can't be afraid to let people see you without makeup. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and your too starving to actually get ready for the day, so you just go to the Student Union wearing sweats. 

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

summing it up

So. My first semester of college is over.

Whaaaaaat?

I've been at Gordon college for 118 days.

I've travelled 5446 miles.

I've taken 11 tests.

I've been to 12 churches.

I've met a whole lot of incredible people.

It's hard to explain all of the things I've learned, experiences I've had, how I've changed.

It's hard to tell you what this semester has been like.

Let's just say there's been lots of questioning and answer, seeking and praying.

Let's just say God's been working.

He's pretty cool, guys.

But I just can't seem to explain everything since August.

I was talking to one of my friends who shared the feeling;

They said they just wanted to go home and tell everyone about the people.

The people those are what made the semester, what made the change...

So here are the faces of my first semester of college:

Lauren and Rosie

So, living in community is hard.

'Cause by community I mean three girls with a lotta stuff in a tiny dorm room.

But when you have 

total hippy with thrift shops and earth tones

Lauren (on the left)

who is so committed to listening to God and trusts His plan even when it's real difficult

and 

total prep with nautical stripes and all kinds of pink 

Rosie (on the right)

who is so dedicated to studying and working hard and does well at everything she does

and 

me ('nuff said),

you end up with a few fights,

some passive aggression,

some gossip and straight up issues,

cause, well, community is hard.

But you end up realizing that if you have a problem,

you don't talk about someone to other people, 

even if you think you're helping or they're straight up making you mad.

That conversation and communication is awkward, but worth the awkward.

That judging people's past does nothing but mess up your future.

That real friends come when you take the people you aren't like at all

and commit to caring about them.

James Reese

Straight out of Knoxville, Tennessee

He just might be the most interesting man in the world

(but don't tell him I said that).

The first night I met him I told him he could stay at my house

and we decided we'd have a radio show.

(PS, we have a radio show now. It ‘ight. Tune in.)

A few days later he told me his passion was rap.

I didn’t believe him...

Then I heard him rap,

And man, he’s good;

And man, he cares about it.

Four hours of rap lessons later, I actually appreciate the art.

Passion is such a buzzword,

But his is for real.

He’s taught me that you should do exciting things,

and you shouldn’t ever forget what makes you jump around excited,

And not let yourself be bored,

And figure out how to be passionate about right now,

And he does all of that and is still totally thoughtful about the world around him,

And he knows himself.

Also, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him.

He’s thoughtfully genuinely unapologetically James Reese

And man, I admire that.

Jamie Shore 

She won the first conversation we had.

The first day of classes we realized we had three in a row together,

Then we walked back across the quad and tried to best each other.

“Oh I’m going to apply for GCSA”

“Oh really? I already have 30 signatures”

Point, set, match, Jamie Shore.

I had an identity-crisis-panic-attack after that,

Because I’d never met anyone JUST LIKE ME.

I was ALWAYS the conversation winner.

So, yeah, not a fan.

Then I got to know her, slowly, awkwardly

and through a lot of not liking each other.

We actually became real friends.

And we realized even though our schedules and goals and ambition might be the same,

We were definitely different.

But, we could understand each other in a way other people couldn't.

And we realized how cool it was that we both agree that the presidents are the best,

And how cool it was that we don’t both agree on Anabaptism.

But we have a conversation about it, 

and it's thoughtful and generous and challenging.

She’s the person who will talk to me about the things no one wants to,

Who will answer the door at one in the morning and dream in the hallway with me about how were going to redeem the world and politics and journalism and how we’re going to make Gordon College passionate about Jesus and justice and conversation.

Now she’s the one who helps me process all of the crises I have about what I’ve always grown up learning and what the Bible actually says,

And she has pink hair because she is brave and breaking down walls and stereotypes,

And she cares about justice more than breathing,

And I’m thankful we can push each other together.

Rachel, Kelsey, Blake, and Julia

(isn't Gianna Nicole Photography the best?)

College was rough at first.

When the only people you want to talk to are thousands of miles away and they don't really get you anymore,

It's hard without anyone right there that you trust.

And then I met these girls.

One was my suite mate,

One was in my small group,

One was in my Women’s Lit class,

One just kind of showed up in my life and then we realized we had Old Testament together.

And one day after class we decided we would go swimming in the pond before dinner, and the rest was history.

It's amazing how you can make close friends so fast.

They're pretty cool.

Blake(the middle) is so smart and dedicated but so easy going and she always make you feel welcome and like you belong and always knows what to talk about.

And Rachel’s(the right)heart is soft and warm and kind that I can’t really even describe it but just being with her puts me at ease.

And Kelsey(the second from the right)is just straight sass and it’s the kind that can look you in the face and tell you what you need to hear but you leave feeling loved.

and Julia(The left) is funny and adventurous and always moving but will still sit and listen and talk through things with you even when you're cranky and angsty.

And we've learned that staying in on Friday nights laughing and catching up is just as fun as going out.

And they've all taught me and shown me how great and valuable real relationships are,

and how fast you can make great valuable relationships.

It's cool you can find a group of people you love as much individually as you do together.

(of course, this isn't all of the people who've impacted me, who I love, who I really just want to be like someday, but it's a few of the big ones)

--------------

Yeah, all of these people are pretty cool. 

You should get to know them.

They're what made my first semester great.

So now I'm back in the 719,

sitting at my kitchen table,

starting to miss the people I'm used to seeing everyday,

but glad to be back,

reflecting on my first semester of college.

I'm thankful. Very thankful.

the first semester freshman PSA

this is a PSA.

publicly, I'm serving you this announcement

college is a lot man.

I mean, if you read my last post,

you probably thought:

"Oh man, Hannah is so cool now, doing all of this cool fun exciting stuff. Man, college must be the best most exciting place ever."

but lemme tell you:

I was still all up in that college high.

"college high"

It's a phenomenon I might just write a book about. 
It'll probably win the Nobel Prize or something.

 Cause the first month of college you spend so excited and exhilarated meeting new people and doing cool new things in cool new places without sleeping and your just running and running on 10,000 percent all of the time surrounded by people all the time and man it's just so great and you love school and have all of this fun stuff to do and still get all of your homework done

cause its just doughnuts/longboards/late nights/flirt with all the cute new boys/always wear cute clothes/sign up for everything/man I can totally dodge the freshman fifteen/

WHOOOOOOOOOO YEAH COLLEGEEEEEEEEEEEE YEAH!

and then

you crash.

about a month in.

and you realize finding a church isn't just going to magically happen on the first visit,

and that you can't just drive and go shopping for socks or get chick-fil-a whenever you want,

and that you really just want a bathtub but all you have is a tiny shower,

and that life back home is moving on without you, 

and that you miss the mountains always watching you and the snow, you miss that too,

and that this really isn't so familiar,

and that your whole framework life prerogative is being broken down and questioned,

and that Christian college doesn't make being a Christian any easier,

and that there are people here who like the same things as you and they're better than you at them,

and that classes are actually hard and you actually have to work and study to do well,

and that no one around you really knows you that well just yet,

and that no one back home really knows you that well any more,

and that you just feel kinda placeless.

And you feel this emptiness in your stomach and this ache in the back of your heart you've never felt before

and you realize you're  homesick. 
Big, brave, move-to-the-East-coast-from-Colorado you is homesick. 

so you spend $80 bucks at Target on ritz crackers and chocolate and oatmeal
and then you eat the giant party bag of m&ms you bought in 3 days flat 

and you sit on the floor of your dark dorm room and cry a little 

and you write a seven page long poem, because well I guess you write poetry now

and walk around alone and mopey and it doesn't help that it's foggy outside

and you finally call your mom

but then, after the crash

there's the settling. 

the big deep breathe out.  

aahhhhhhhhhhh

you realize that 

just because you're homesick doesn't mean you're not home.

Just because you're homesick doesn't mean that this isn't exactly where God wants you,

and it's not going to be all crazy college high, 

it might even be really hard

but that's ok. 

and you see a beautiful sunset that might not be plunging into Pikes Peak, but it's still beautiful
and you go through a pad of sticky notes because that's apparently how you like to study

and you drop a pan of half-baked birthday brownies on the dorm kitchen floor and it's hilarious

and you hold hands and pray with girls you don't really know, but you feel true fellowship still the same

and you get questioned in a way that makes you think about your faith anew

and you realize it's ok to not be a leader just yet, it's ok to just be

and you preform a spokenword poem in front of a chapel full of people and its scary, but it's worship you've never quite experienced before

and you get a radio show because you thought a radio show sounded exciting

and you do the things that you never felt like you could do before

and you find these beautiful people who make you feel safe and you want to be around them

and you get pushed out of your comfort zone

and you find yourself in a way you never have before--without makeup and with weaknesses that can be molded into strengths

and you might not be understood yet but you know that you will be and it's worth the wait

and you get a glimpse of a place shifting into focus that just might be yours

and you begin to settle

into the real work
into the New England humidity

into the aftermath of the crash

and it might not be normal but that's ok
it's your life now

and that's all that matters

so you stop thinking about last years and yesterdays and you just think about todays

you keep your eyes locked on the present

and you remember God's purpose and God's plan
and they make you marvel

and they keep you going

and you realize that college is good

maybe not the good you expected

but, oh man, it's good.  

Moved with Compassion...

For a few weeks, I've been struggling to stay motivated in all of my school work. I was feeling like I really just didn't want to do college anymore; I just wanted to leave for Africa; I felt like I was just wasting time where I'm not getting anything done for God. I couldn't come up with a reason why God would give me such a strong passion for this right now other than that He wants me there right now. My heart has been stolen by these people I've never met, and these places I've only seen in pictures and in dreams. Its been consuming my thoughts so much more than it should be. I can't help myself--Godly passion leads to AMAZING things. And this passion in my heart is so sick of being shoved back down inside of me; it pushes harder every time it re-surges. Its as persistent as the voice of the Lord that young Samuel heard when he was living with Priest Eli. And I was stuck here. Waiting. Just like so many people before me.

But this Sunday, I found my passion for nursing. The message was on Mark 1:21-45. Jesus healed people left and right. That's one of the biggest needs of The Kingdom. God's heart for the sick and wounded is so beautifully portrayed in Mark 1:41-44: 

"Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out His hand and touched him. 'I am willing,' He told him. 'Be made clean.' Immediately the disease left him, and he was healed. Then He sternly warned him, sent him away at once, telling him, 'See that you say nothing to anyone; but go and show yourself to the priest, and offer what Moses prescribed for your cleansing, as a testimony to them" (HCSB).

Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out His hand and touched him.--Jesus cared deeply about everyone. These words stir something up in my soul that I just can't explain. They put me on the brink of tears of joy-my Savior loved this leper enough to touch him. He loves me the same way. He comes into my broken life and fixes it up so that I can live up to my potential in Him. He takes away the labels stuck on me by this broken, messed up world. He gives me a second chance.
"See that you say nothing to anyone..."--This was at the beginning of Jesus' ministry. No one really knew who He was, and no one knew what He could do. Yet. This was the beginning of His widespread fame. Those people that had been diagnosed with leprosy-they were unclean. They were unfit to interact with. And here's this man, who broke free of that stereotype. He was healed. He was made whole again. This miracle made people realize how powerful Jesus is. After this, Jesus could hardly even get time alone to spend with His Daddy. They flocked to Him, because there's just something about Him that makes people stop and wonder.
So now I understand that God is calling me to take part in this ministry of healing with His son. He's calling me to change lives. He's calling me to be love to these people that haven't received it because of their physical condition. He's calling me to loose labels by showing my compassion and willingness to breathe life into the sick and the hurting and the wounded.
And that's something that I am incredibly excited about!

fifty-one things for twenty-one days

College is for moving two thousand and thirty three miles away from home
College is for finding a new home
College is for missing family friends and mountains
College is for so much peace about where God has you
College is for new thing you're afraid of doing that you do anyway
College is for only doing what makes you dance around excited
College is for incredibly interesting people you want to know
College is for syllabi full of work you don't want to do
College is for learning that study is a high form of worship
College is for blowing off homework and staying up until three am laughing with someone new
College is for totally worth it sleep deprivation
College is for soaring highs and plummeting lows 
College is for feelings you can't control
College is for learning to make wise decisions
College is for doing stupid stuff
College is for penny boarding in a grocery store
College is for screaming the Jonas Brothers at the top of your lungs
College is for listening to your roommate rap to you
College is for sleeping through Pilates class
College is for tree climbing for the first time
College is for film camera pictures
College is for going apple picking and picking no apples
College is for lots of doughnuts
College is for lying on the beach and staring at the stars
College is for having color dance color all over the place
College is for wearing whatever you want
College is for the nerd life
College is for mysterious small groups
College is for weekend trips to New Hampshire
College is for ice skating in August
College is for worshiping in the rain
College is for long talk adventure walks through the woods
College is for hump day swimming trips to the pond
College is for thinking
College is for having too many thoughts to express
College is for living without thinking too much about it
College is for trying to be like the Acts church
College is for sharing
College is for reminding yourself how important grace is
College is for trying to figure out a Christian worldview
College is for people who push you
College is for surrounding yourself with people who make you love life
College is for loving people you hardly know
College is for getting to know people
College is for making best friends in a few days time
College is for thankfulness
College is for letting God show off
College is for discovering beauty
College is for seeking redemption
College is for trusting God's plan 

College is for 

being overwhelmed and loving every minute of it.

The Lord Knows My Steps

College has taught me a whole lot, and I'm only a week in!

I learned a whole lot about the history of Microbiology, and I am firmly convinced that scientific ability should be listed as a spiritual gift. (The first guy to see bacteria was a carpet merchant! He'd never been trained specifically for a science field!) 
I've relearned the anatomical terms.
And would you believe that I'm enjoying math? Once I learn how to do a problem, I keep wanting to do more like it. Its like a puzzle!

But more than learning about my classes, I've learned a lot about who I am now and who God's made me to be. I've learned just where my messed-up, human limitations fall and that I need to start fighting against them (with God's help of course).
For me, being home comes with parental accountability, sibling rivalry, and familiarity. My mom left Saturday, so I woke up Sunday morning with all of "home" completely gone. It is a weird feeling to not have someone care about every move that you make. My responsibility has kicked in! I made it early to every class this week. I went to church last Sunday, and both chapel and the worship service on campus. I have my homework for the week done... and I'm right back to not knowing what to do with my free time. 

Another thing that's taken me by surprise is how friendly everyone is. Its completely natural to start talking to someone waiting in line to get your card swiped for a meal and then sit down and eat your whole lunch with them. No big deal! 
I'm so glad to be going to a Christian school! I feel like sometimes people can be overly polite. I watched two people get into a very calm and kind argument the other night: "Oh, did you want this last hamburger? You can absolutely have it! I can wait." "Please, you take it, I'm not in a rush either, and you were here first."
And I'm so glad that the problem we have with our chapel is that there's not enough seats for all of the students. Especially since chapel here is optional!

I love college so much so far, that I'm considering being a student for the rest of my life... (Don't tell my parents!!)

I'm kidding, of course, but college has been such an amazing experience for me! I am already so at home here, I have no doubt that this is where God wants me! I'm thankful he knows everything about my life before I do. His plans are so much higher than mine!

Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."